Tympanic Tantrums

Hey y'all, man I gotta tell you. I've been plagued by a bad case of the hiccups today. You know what I found out. See it's like this, if you cough hard enough, you know the coughs of the guttural kind (partial lung expulsion) it then has the possiblity of triggering the most feared of hiccups. You see, my throat recently has been in that funky tickly stage, the dry cough kind, but last night and most of the day, I cough, and then it is followed by the initial hiccup. There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life.

Now there is a possibility if you hit the timing just right, after that initial hiccup, if you try to quell the spell by your usual methods, hold your breath, etc. and the spell will surely pass quickly. But if the timing is off. That hiccup sets off that dreaded chain reaction and then it starts. You lose diaphragmatic control and then the internal organs rumble like a huge gong was struck in the near vicinity, 50 decibels pulsating through your innards like you were sitting in the front row at the Metropolitan Opera. Seriously.

And you know that fail safe method of swallowing sugar? Well I've discovered that you have to be careful because you have to swallow it dry. I the idiot let it melt in my mouth too much and it defeated the whole purpose. You gotta swallow as much of the dry sugar as you can without it getting wet. At least from my empirical data. I found myself swallowing 2-3 teaspoons of sugar trying to stop the hiccups. You gotta be careful or you're gonna eventually overload on sugar and get Type II diabetes.

Couple times at work it got pretty bad. I'm trying to do my work and ^&%(&*!@#^(*& I'm trying to talk to a coworker and work on something when all of a sudden @#*(&@(@. I tell you, one of those days. Finally it passed. And sometimes hiccups know how to feign its quelling, as you hold your breath for 10 seconds, and nothing happens, you relax, thinking, "Ah yes, I've conquered this spell once and for all". You then let your breath out and as you do so, let your guard down, and then....#&(#*(!@*. Neverending cycle I tell you, neverending cycle...