Are You a Mexican or a Mexican't?

Well, how about a Meximelt? Man today I gorged myself on these delectables from the friendly neighborhood Taco Bell. Can't believe I don't get these more often, since normally I go frequent buffets and the like. But sometimes, quality over quantity is good. Even better a quantity of quality. What a quandary! So man these were good, it's the pico de gallo amidst the ground meat and cheeses melted to a gooey coagulatory perfection that I think clinched the deal. Here is the nutritional data on it. Don't read too carefully, it might spoil your enjoyment! For the uninitiatied:

MexiMelt®
A warm, soft, flour tortilla wrapped around seasoned ground beef, a blend of three cheeses - cheddar, pepper jack and mozzarella and fiesta salsa, then melted to perfection. (You can also upgrade this item with marinated and grilled all-white-meat chicken** or authentic, carne asada steak)

Man, so good. So good. Highly recommended from our staff. Ah, and I see there's an apropos haiku to boot:

Pico de gallo
Cheese meat cheese cheese meat that's it
Oops wrong fast food chain

More inconsequence later.

I'd Like to Buy a Couple Vowels Please, Pat

Wow, first Lebanon, now this. Nothing like the desire for freedom to bring unity to people. Syria's President Bashar al-Assad has committed to a first phase pull-out of troops and secret agents by 1 April, according to the UN's special envoy. Read more... Well it looks like the people have yet again spoken. This time in Kyrgyzstan, whose government now was apparently the third in a former Soviet republic after Georgia and Ukraine to be brought down by people power over the past year and a half. Read more... Perhaps freedom is on the move it seems. And maybe sometime later on, the new government can even add some vowels to their country name so it's more pronounceable. Well I'm certainly glad that I'm writing it and not having to butcher it aloud verbally. It'd be like if our nation was Th ntd Stts f mric. Didn't realize how much me relied on vowels in our lives did we now. We're forever grateful Vanna, thanks! 'm prd t b n 'mricn. OK, maybe I'm being a little insensitive. Some possibilities:

Kayaragayazstan
Keyeregeyezstan
Kiyirigiyizstan
Koyorogoyozstan
Kuyuruguyuzstan

You could go ad infinitum. In the examples above, I added 5 vowels, to separate our little cliqueish consonants there, you know break it up. This is like the junior high dance, right - all the boys on one side and the girls on the other side. Let's mingle kids, c'mon. It's OK. So, if we add let's say 5 combinations of vowels into our new word, the formula would be.. OK I'll spare you my vast statistical knowledge. The number of permunations or combinations: google. Have fun kids. Vowels away! Send me your ideas for name. The winner will get a cookie. Maybe. We'll find out in the Showcase Showdown...

Formosa For Me

It's early Wednedsay and finally posting an update for y'all. Man since my last trip to Taiwan was over 6 years ago in 1999, it's been a while since I've had to conquer a 14 hour time change. Granted London and Rome were just a couple ahead. Anyways, this past weekend and early in the week was spent with a weird schedule, I was the zombie lurking at night. And a zombie lurking in the day-time too. Please pay no attention to those bags under my eyes, they're supposed to be there. It's part and parcel of the whole travelling gig. I'm finally shaking this somnabulism off, finally. Maybe I should still tie myself down just to be sure. Or go don my alter ego and patrol the heavy streets of this town and save innocents. And maybe avoid the sunlight.





Man, you know one thing about the Taiwanese culture. All about food, food, food. The stomach is king here, barnone. I hadn't been so hedonistic since the day I became hedonistic and lived for myself. So much food in so little time. A normal human can't withstand what I went through. I'm a seasoned professional. Kids don't try this at home. Disregard your natural human predilection of keeping your body safe from harm. Go eat without bounds at restaurants every meal of the day, gorge yourself on 12 course meals. And then have desert. Have that cake and eat it too. But it was fun though. I embellish. Anyways it was really nice to check out the non-American culture which I was accustomed and emerge myself in this other world, taking it all in, overloading on every sensory and neural input possible.

The plane ride was of course as expected, long. I hate long travel time, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Yes, suck it up soldier for this short stint of sitting in your chair with cramped leg room, and then the person in the front of you reclines their seat all the way. Rinse and repeat for 14 hours. Arrgh. So anyways, it was a 2 hour drive to the airport, then 3 hr 15 min flight to the international hub, then 14ish hour long flight to Taipei. Food was great. Saw The Incredibles and Final Cut. Good movies. Airplane food was great. I even had a Taiwanese Cup O Noodle equivalent as a midnight snack, or whenever that time was. Did I mention that the food was great? And don't forget the service. Excellent service from the wonderful stewardesses.





We got into town a little late, 11pm local time. Our ride came and picked us up and we headed off to the smaller town outside of Taipei that we were staying at, to our hotel to get ready for the festivities the next day. Hotel was nice, a seaside hotel with a great view. Relatively new, I was impressed by this former ice-factory turned hotel, which I found out later. Decor was unique and the rooms were really nice. So I unwinded, met up with some relatives, chatted til late, turned on the cable and there are channels and channels of Hong Kong action movies. I finished the tail end of a John Woo movie to cap the evening. That was grand. Executive Breakfast would be served bright and early by Room Service. Awesome.

To be Continued...
Will Jeff be able to get enough rest for the week?
Will Jeff be able to handle all the food subjected to him this week?
Stay tuned, same Jeff time, same Jeff channel...

Holy Breakfast Sandwich, Batman!

I munched on some good breakfast yesterday morning. Kudos to Burger King for putting the Croissanwich on the menu. A delectable confection of a patty of flame kissed sausage coupled with a panel of omelet and topped with a square of American cheese, all sandwiched together between two halves of a fresh soft croissant. Fine food indeed. Also in the taking was the Biscuit Sandwich, comparable to a sausage egg and cheese biscuit at the other popular fast food chain. I can't get over how good it was. I even got to share with the co-workers. I bought 4 but only could eat 2, so I sold the rest to my co-horts. Thanks R and K for your bidness. (I know, me, only 2? Well I'm getting up there in age, you know) But man these sandwiches are good. You've done it again, old chum. With my portable haiku generator in my utility belt, I bring you the following, fellow citizen:

Slice of spiced meat slab
With cheese and omelet you dance
Book ended by starch

On to more important things, you know people should fix potholes. I nearly was the victim of 3 of them heading over to get to my breakfast establishment. With a dash of stunt driving here, swerving there, I managed to evade these pernicious potholes. I wasn't so lucky several weekends ago when I was on that road trip, and heading close into town there was massive freeway construction, and I was going pretty fast I think, but there was huge chasm I couldn't dodge out of that so needless to say it was an extra bumpy ride into town. Bless you my front axle.

Heartless deep abyss
Needs a big glob of Bondo
Really ticked me off

Abbott and Costello 2005

Today's Moonday funny is provided by my co-worker/co-hort, Randy, aka R-Dawg. Thanks R. Have a good one, y'all.

The Abbott and Costello classic comedy routine "Who's on First?" revised for the modern computer world (i.e. geekified):

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just
say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I
watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I
do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "w"?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is RealOne and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of
Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping
you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(LATER)

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START" . . .

I'll Take Impotent Potables for $400, Alex

On the recommendation of my friend Ryan, I bought me a Campbell's Soup at Hand lunch thingamabobber to try out, specifically the Pizza flavored, one of the cornucopia of colorful varieties. Drinkeable pizza? Too good to be true! It'd be like the coolest thing since machine-sliced bread. You know, a nice Chunky Soupish melánge of pepperoni, mixed with bits of pizza dough and random nuggets of melted mozzarella, with some chunks of ham, and/or Canadian bacon. Or something to that effect. It's supposed to be drinkeable pizza, right? I'm not really asking too much am I? That is what you're advertising right, Campbell?

Boy was I miffed when I find out yesterday that it is nothing but a watered down Spaghetti-O's with shrunken "O"'s as if they drank too much Mountain Dew with the infamous Yellow #5. Where's the pizza!!? Let Chef Boyardee do this own stuff, be original for once. Er actually Franco American I think. Wait, you make O's don't you. You'd think they'd basically take a decent size pizza, stick in the blender to produce a nice bucket of soupy goodness or something. But no, just make some generic tomato sauce kinda mixture, drop in bits and I mean bits of round pasta(!?) I don't see no pizzas that have pasta. This is too deviated from what a normal person's conception of drinkable pizza is.

If you were to have me head up the project to create this new item of food for a new line of lunch products, you bet your Mozzarella cheese I'd be planning a tasty alternative to everyone's favorite junk food food item. Something that is unique and yet pays homage to that which millions of college kids and youth consume on a daily basis to fulfill their cravings for the 6th food group, you know, grease. Alright I'm kidding about the grease but you know what I'm talking about. You know I'm talking about more chunks than soup. As for now this soup at hand is about to get handed into the great soup receptacle where bad soup end up.

My advice? Go buy you some Campbell's Select Italian Wedding Soup through my Amazon affiliate link or in your soup aisle. That is the good stuff and won't disappoint you. And you can drink it on occasions other than a wedding. That is an example of a true potent potable, Alex. And it's portable too. Have a good one, y'all.

The Emily Post

Ah social niceties, which one must learn to master in order to make it in today's society. Well at least if you want to have friends, build camaraderie with people, successfully do business, find that significant other, etc. (i.e. So you won't be regarded as a cocky, rude, self-centered ape of a man.) Me, not quite an ape, but I'm still working on my phrases and line delivery. Considering:

I've done this a million times (hopefully not that many), run into someone, and you are obligated to at least minimally smile and say your Hi's and How are you's, Goodbye's, etc. It always comes out wrong somehow andI laugh at myself afterwards (probably the other party is too).

Acquaintance/Friend: "What's up?"
Me: "Pretty good"

Or the variation:

Acquaintance/Friend: "How are you?"
Me: "Nothing much."

And then there's saying "Hi, how are you?" and walking off before the other party has a chance to respond. This one I'm been the recipient more often than not. It is more trivial than the aforementioned mismatched responses I'd say but can be perceived as slightly rude. It happened a lot at college - between classes or what not, you run into an acquaintance/friend, and then:

1) Don obligatory smile
2) "Hi, good to see you! How are you?"
3) Turn your head and keep on walking on.

But that's aight since all of us had somewhere to go. Be it class, the library, the apartment, The Fountain to hang out with the alternative crowd we fondly dubbed "The Fountain People.", well not really. You get the idea.

Yes people skills. Be good at dealing with people. So easy, yet so hard sometimes.


UPDATED: A fellow blogspot blogger left me a comment which reminded of the other cultural zeitgeit: the manly male nod greeting. Yes, you know what I'm talking about. Because us guys want to retain our manhood, yet still acknowledge our fellow brother without looking woosy or sensitive, we see each other and greet with a 2-3 inch lift of the jaw, in conjunction with a hearty "I'm cool, yo what up dawg" grin.

We should all tip our hat to the nod, for it's enabled us apely men to keep our dignity while allowing us to bond and share our predilection for man's atavistic nature. May we all remember the Lord of the Flies and how that tapped in each of us the desire to remember that men are men. Give the nod a nod. Oh and don't forget the lesser popular, "been a long time. man" arms held open wide, and lean back, with the nod and a smile., which we'll save to talk about on a rainy day...


"Well-well look. I already told you: I deal with the g*&^%$! customers so the engineers don't have to. I have people skills; I am good at dealing with people. Can't you understand that? What the h*&^ is wrong with you people? " - Tom Smykowski, Office Space

Check It Out

You know, I hate people. I'm a misanthrope. That's why I was elated when HEB started having those self-service checkout lines so people can quickly go through and pay for their stuff quickly without dealing with any highschoolers who don't really care about their job as long as they get paid so they can go hang out and party all weekend cashiers. Oh just kidding. No offense. I really don't hate people by the way. It's all an act. Really. Anywho, what a pleasant surprise these self checkouts were. Unlike the Automated Postal Centers which I abhorred to no end, HEB really hit the mark this time, providing a very user friendly touch screen managed point of sale system that is intuitive and impressive. Well, as self checkouts can get anyways.

You Touch Screen to Begin. And then start swiping your food items across the scanner, while the screen itemizes each item for you. You put your scanned item in the bag. Rinse and repeat. Click Pay Now, and you are prompted what method of payment you are going to use. So you choose debit card. Swipe and enter your PIN and you're authorized, not even having to sign anything. You can even get cash back if you want there, so you don't have to make that extra trip to the bank. Yeah. And get this, you don't have to swipe for each food item! You pay for it all at once!!* Verify the total and then it's all done. Grab your items and go. You've just been checked out. Not bad not bad at all. I'm so happy I could get an ICEE from that ICEE machine staring at me right behind the customer service counter there at the self checkout area. Mmm ICEE. Of the Coke variety.

Then one day I go to Wal-Mart. Voila, those bandwagon-jumpers I tell ya, as they have wasted no time at all and installed some new self-checkout registers of their own in retaliation. Not that there regular number of cashiers are lacking or anything, since there's always like 50 cashier lines, and only 2 that are actually functional and taking customers. C'mon. A little more manpower couldn't hurt. Or aren't y'all able to. Might as well hire some illegal workers or something to save money. Oops sorry, been there done that. Oh yeah funny thing is the migrant workers learned the American way and sued Wal-Mart for hiring them. What a tangled web we weave indeedy. It's all about me, me me. Getting rich. What can I gain from this, who can I take down with me. What happened to the simpler days of life. Tending sheep. Retrieving water from the well. Working the harvest. Simple days.

Oops tangent alert. I digress. Back to the story at hand. So I decide to take a gander on this Wal-Mart self checkout stand and see how it goes. This should be a piece of cake I think. Well it ends up scanning one of my yogurts twice and I try to cancel. But then I put the yogurt in the bag. And lo and behold the weight sensor kicks in and tells me the weight is incorrect. The deal is it remembers the weight of the bag, so of course you can't accidentally sneak in groceries that you paid for. Well the fact of the matter it did, and it counted like my Key Lime Pie yogurt twice and I just have 1 or something, so the weight is not increasing two fold like it thinks it is. I'm about to punch out the screen in frustration. Well not really. But I just want to be able to put my yogurt in the bag!!!. Is that too hard to ask?! C'mon. So finally had to wave on of the girls attending to the self-checkouts over and override and remove that extra yogurt from my list. Long story short, that fixed it and got my bags and left. Never will I use those self-checkouts again. Not even for a free yogurt.

There are kinks that definitely need to get worked out. That experience was just like the Automated Postal Center. Sometimes again, faster is not necessarily faster nor better. The tortoise and the hare. Need I say more? I rest my case.


*See Automated Postal Center for reference.